Stage Fright

Being a child of the theatre, I was never one to have stage fright. While most of my contemporaries would get nervous just before the curtain was raised I maintained my "cool as a cucumber" disposition.

So why is it that now, now when my blog (this blog) might be getting more than two readers on a consistent (not regular) basis am I suddenly afraid to write? I guess the thought of knowing that maybe a few more people might actually be checking this thing out makes me nervous. I don't want to disappoint. I want to engage. Or get a laugh. Or something. I want some sort of reaction. So I've had stage fright and that's why I've been absent for a while.

I don't have much to report. I do have a job interview next week! Yea!!!

I'm very excited about it as this is a dream job at a great company. In the tradition of not wanting to jinx myself (because it's yet to work so far) I will not reveal the name of the company, or the position I am interviewing for. The only thing I will tell you is that it's in Atlanta. Inside the perimeter. That's all you're getting. Anyway, I'm prepping for this interview like crazy. It's not just that I want this job, it's that I need this job. Not because of money and benefits and all that stuff (but I do need all that stuff and the sooner the better), but for my own sanity. I can't take any more rejection from potential employers but also I'm bored. I am very afraid that my brain is turning to mush. I'm not using it like I used to and I'm afraid it's one of those things that if you don't use it you lose it, like calf muscles or something.

I keep myself engaged. I try to have thoughtful, smart conversations when the company is conducive to do so. I read. Not just People's and Entertainment Weekly's but books and magazines and newspapers and online articles. I practice keeping my brain agile with Sudoku (which I suck at) and other brain teasers. I stay social and whenever I'm at an event or concert I observe and make mental notes. But because I don't get to apply things to the real world, like at work, I feel it's all for not.

BTW, if you, potential employer, are reading this, I will so rock this job you won't know what you did without me.

But things are turning around. I've been unemployed for almost nine months. So it's my turn, right?

The Michael Jackson Memorial, or I have too much time on my hands...

I couldn't decide what to do for my celebratory 100th Post so I'm deciding to "live blog" during the Michael Jackson Memorial Service.  It's all anyone is talking about and I'm figuring that as many people world wide that are watching this, there are still some of you that are at work and unable to watch.  So here it is, the MJ Memorial Service, as told by me!

I've decided to go with Charlie Gibson (love!) and ABC for my coverage.  The MTV/VH1 "pre game" coverage was better, but for the service itself nothing can top Charlie (who is with Martin Bashir, and Barbara Walters and Cynthia McFadden reporting from inside the Staples Center with Robin Roberts outside).  Sorry CNN, Fox, NBC, CBS, Fox, et al.  Charlie wins.

OK, so Smokey Robinson is reading letters.  He just read one from Nelson Mandela.  Can you imagine, Nelson Mandela sending a condolence letter to your family?

A choir is singing.  Something about the King.  Assuming they don't mean MJ, as in the King of Pop.

The coffin just got rolled in.  It's super shiny and silver and covered in beautiful flowers.

Oh crap, here comes Mariah Carey.  I feel the tears (not from me but from the thousands in the Staples Center) coming.  She did I'll Be There with some back up singer.  Mariah, what is up with the hand movements you are doing?

Hey there Queen Latifah!  She's reading a poem Maya Angelou wrote about MJ. Wow, that's heavy.

Uh oh, it's Lionel Richie.  And he's singing!  Something about Jesus.  Now he's speaking.

Berry Gordy looks good.  I'm glad he shared some humor during his speech, including a tale about the Gordy's vs. the Jackson's baseball games.  I guess the Jackson's use to win a lot.  And Michael wasn't a good catcher.

OMG!  All the Jackson brothers are each wearing one silver sequined glove (and matching yellow ties).

Time for a video montage!

You Are Not Alone will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

Here's Stevie Wonder.  He's the epitome of cool.  I love the red sunglasses.  A tribute to MJ's iconic red leather jacket?  And now a song...  

Here come Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson.  Was MJ a basketball fan or are they just here because the Staples Center is also a basketball arena?  There's a picture of Magic and MJ.  Magic looks awfully shiny and plastic in that photo.  Maybe that was before he cured HIV?  I think Jamie and Kobe Bryant have the same tie.  I guess Kobe shops at Target too.  Oh yeah!  Magic Johnson was in that MJ video with Eddie Murphy.  OK, Magic, you've proved your credibility.  

Here's a fun tidbit, MJ liked KFC.

How come they're not showing Janet?  I want to see Janet!

Jennifer Hudson looks beautiful.  She's singing that MJ song I know but I don't know the name of.  It's sort of gospel-y.  Maybe Hold Me or Will You Be There?  The back up singers are doing some funny choreography.  This is truly a production.

Back to Charlie showing us the crowd in a park in Harlem watching on a big screen.

Here's the Rev. Al Sharpton.

And while he speaks, here are some other things.  The LAPD reported that this is the biggest deal since the 1984 Olympics.  Wow.  Earlier I saw a clip of MJ on the Dating Game when he was little.  He was wearing the coolest yellow suit.  I was watching CNN for coverage of the private family service and there were no less than 100 black cars waiting outside of the funeral home.  I wonder how many people stayed home from work to watch this, or are taking long lunches?  If I was the boss I would just allow my staff to gather in the conference room and watch this.  It's crazy to think that anyone is getting anything done right now.  They rolled in TV's the classroom when I was in 7th Grade so we could watch the OJ verdict live, this is a much bigger deal.

Blah, blah, blah, Al Sharpton is still talking.  The crowd is going wild for him, though.  He said something about MJ being the Jackie Robinson of music.  OK...

Now Charlie and Martin Bashir on commenting on Al Sharpton's comments.

I hear clapping but all I'm seeing is an empty stage.  Oh, here's John Mayer.  Perhaps the only person's presence I don't completely understand.  He looks nice though.  I like his vest.  He's playing something on his guitar.  I'm not sure what it is yet.  Now the rest of the band has joined in.  The song sounds familiar.  But I still don't know what it is yet.  I can say one thing for certain, John Mayer is a bad ass guitar player.  So I guess I don't know MJ that well.  Jamie knows this song but I still don't.

Anyway, Brooke Shields is talking now.  I guess her and MJ were like BFF.  She's crying.  I think she's the first one that's spoken that has cried on the pulpit.  Oh snap, now Martin Bashir is saying that MJ and Brooke weren't really great friends.  

The orchestra is playing.  Who is coming on stage?  Oh, Jermaine Jackson.  Now he's singing a song called Smile.  You know, not one of those Jackson boys aged well.  I think it's the surgery they've all had.  They look plastic-y.

So that Smile song is like some really famous song I know nothing about.

MLK III and Bernice King are speaking now.  Their prayers and condolences are with the Jackson family (duh).

OK, I'm bored.  How much longer is this going to be?  Perhaps I picked the wrong Post 100 blog topic.

Some congress lady from Texas.  I'm glad the government is involved now.  This makes it that much more credible.  WTF?  OMG, she's talking about how you're innocent until proven guilty, is she referencing the molestation charges?  Really?  We have to talk about this here and now?  Who invited her?

I know we started late, but it's already been an hour and a half.  Someone finally gave Charlie a copy of the program (he was driving blind before) and according to him Usher is up next.  I say for a finale everyone gets on stage and sings We Are the World (my fave song).

Usher is on stage.  I hope he dances.  He, like MJ, can dance!  No dancing, just really sad singing, Gone Too Soon.  If this is supposed to be a celebration then why aren't we singing fun songs?  I bet everyone would love a little Billie Jean right now.

We're coming full circle, Smokey Robinson is going to take the stage again.  Maybe he will sing something fun?  

Ooh!  Another video.  Here's little MJ with the Jackson 5 in an awesome pink hat on Ed Sullivan.

OK, Smokey, do something fun!  Y'all are losing me.  Nope, just talking.  Sing a damn song.  You were on Motown with MJ.  Sing a Motown song.  Oy.  B-O-R-I-N-G.  I wonder if they are serving beer inside the Staples Center?  

Up next is someone who I am unfamiliar with and who's name I can't pronounce or spell.  He's from Britain's Got Talent and he's not the crazy cat lady so I dunno.  Oh, but he's like a kid.  Cute.  Wow, what a voice.

And Kenny Ortega is speaking now.  He's a choreographer.  Oh, I guess the kid was going to be joining MJ on stage in London for those 50 shows.  What an honor for a kid.  Too bad plans have changed.

Ooh!  It's almost over.  Now a performance from what was supposed to be the London shows.  And a performance!  That will be fun, right?  This Memorial needs some fun!  And a performance means dancing.  Yea!  These two hours (not including the "pre-game") have been looooong.

OMG! OMG! OMFREAKING!  They are doing WE ARE THE WORLD!!!  I win!!!  Or rather, we all win.

And now they are doing something else.  We Are the World was the perfect finale.  I hope you top this with something amazing.  Nope, Heal The World.  

I'm done.  BTW, I think MJ ripped himself off writing this song because it sounds an awful lot like We Are the World.

Peace.

P.S. I quit blogging before the family could speak especially his daughter.

Oh crap. My first retraction.

All of the greats have to publish retractions from time to time. The New York Post does it, the Wall Street Journal does it, Time Magazine does it, Alex Trebek has to do it on Jeopardy! (and it is so funny when we has to take away money already rewarded, I'm sure he feels bad doing it but sometimes the contestants facial expressions are priceless) and I, for the first time, am doing it.

See, I thought the below post was Post Number 101. But as it would turn out, upon closer inspection of my "dashboard" it seems that the below was only Post 98. See, I had three drafts in there that I never published (cause I never finished them). So upon deleting those (they were really uninspired, not even good enough for a deleted scenes section on my Blog DVD release) I realized that in fact only 98 posts had been posted.

So, you see, I celebrated prematurely. But the good news, Post 99 is merely a retraction, which means I can still make Post 100 really great. Now I have a lot of pressure on me. Crap, I'm hoping I get really inspired really soon.

Happy 101!

This, my friends, is post number 101. I would've celebrated with post 100, but as you can tell post 100 was a little serious and not exactly a time to be celebrating.

When a sitcom hits the 100 mark they celebrate by giving you a clip show or a very special episode. I am doing neither of those things.

When a person hits the 100 mark they get a birthday card from the President and Willard Scott mentions you on the Today Show (yes, he is still alive and on TV).

When an item hits 100 it becomes an antique and you get to go on Antiques Roadshow and have said item appraised (which, by the way, did you hear that Antiques Roadshow just had their first ever $1 million appraisal? They did).

So, what do you do when a blog hits post number 101? I don't know... Create a super fun Post 101 Blingee?

Enjoy.

Major, major sads.

In a world where almost all at once we lost David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and, of course, Michael Jackson you would think the news could not get any worse.

But then it did this morning.

My hero, pitchman extraordinaire Billy Mays, was found dead in his Tampa home this morning.  He was 50 years old.

Anyone who's been reading this blog knows how much I love and admire Billy Mays.  

This is just the worst news ever.  How sad.

Bee-Tee-Dubs

BTW, I'm not one to get all political on my blog, but let me just say that this unemployed BS and COBRA and insurance sucks.

This too shall pass, and if it doesn't they'll hook you up to some machine and blow it up.

Sorry I've been missing.  I had kidney stones.  Again.  And of course because I don't do anything average my kidney stones are super big, so big that they won't pass on their own so I have to have procedures to remove them.

I had kidney stones three years ago.  That time we had to do two procedures to get rid of "Big Mama Stone."  The doctor went in through an existing hole (I'm leaving it at that) and tried to pull the stone out.  But it was too big so she put in a stent instead.  The stent kept the tube that goes from your kidney to your bladder open (because before that the kidney stone had shut my kidney down).  I had to have that in for three weeks and it sucked.  Then she went in and removed the stent and got the stone out.  All was well.  For three years.  Until Monday.

I was on my way to meet family for lunch on Monday when I had excruciating pain.  Once you have a kidney stone you never forget that pain so I knew what it was.  I drove myself to the doctor's office screaming the whole way (and trying to keep the vomit down).  I made it.  I'm not sure how, but I made it.  I probably freaked out these two women in the waiting room because of my groans and sweating and constant moving around (you can't get comfortable, standing, sitting, lounging or otherwise).  I finally got some pity from the guy at the front desk (after threatening to throw up) and I got back into a room.  The nurse came in and did an ultrasound on my pelvis area.  Then the doctor came in and did one on my kidney (the right one cause that's where the pain was).  She told me my kidney was dilated but they couldn't see the stone so I'd have to go up to radiology.  Then I puked.  

There I was sitting on the floor of the doctor's office bathroom puking.  I hadn't eaten anything that day so I was puking up stuff like bodily fluids.  It was painful.  But the pain of puking was a nice distraction from the life stopping pain in my side.  I sat on that floor and puked from the time my kidney ultra sound was completed until the time my Mom got there and the nurse stuck a needle in my butt and gave me what was supposed to be pain killers and anti-nausea medicine.  Between me and you, neither worked.  I got wheeled (in a wheel chair) up to radiology and after puking and being pathetic I got a CAT scan (or CT scan?) done.  Once that was done I don't remember what happened but we ended up in the ER.  

The purpose of the ER visit was to get pain killers that worked and to pump me full of fluids since I had dehydrated myself.  And boy did we.

Once we got into a room at the hospital I got hooked up to fluids.  Then I got some pain killers.  And they didn't do a darn thing.  Nothing.  Didn't even numb the pain.  So I continued to sit on the hospital bed and wail and moan until someone gave me attention and stronger drugs.  Which finally someone did.  I don't know what I was given, it sounded like it was called Toilet Bowl, but it worked.  Within seconds of it hitting my veins the pain disappeared.  I was a new person.  A happy person.  A person on drugs.

On Tuesday we went for the procedure to get rid of the stone.  This time instead of going in me and doing stuff the procedure was non-invasive.  But they still have to put you under.  They put this big machine on you and supposedly it sends some sort of waves, like shock or radio, through you and those waves break up the stone.  Then you are able to get the stone out of your body yourself through means like peeing.  

So that's where we are now.  I'm at home.  Feeling sore, but much better.  Hopefully we'll be able to figure out why my body is producing stones (and large ones at that, but that doesn't surprise me, I am the over achiever).   

I took a pain killer last night because I was in major discomfort and I had trippy dreams all night.  Probably not going to be taking those again.

Here's the deal, kidney stone pain is the hands down worst pain ever.  It's worse than child birth.  I know this because when you have a baby they can give you an epidural and I know this because there was a long running debate on Regis & Kelly about which is more painful, childbirth or passing a kidney stone and kidney stone won.  

So that's my story.  That's where I've been all week.  Hopefully next week will be better and less painful.

My Mom took a picture of me before the procedure on Tuesday but it's like the worst picture ever so I'm not going to post it.  Hence the picture of the KIDNEY bean and the gem STONE.