ShamWow Vince vs Billy Mays

Let's take a break from all that "I have no job" crap to discuss something more pressing. Something that's been on my mind for a while.

First of all, let me preface this by saying that I love TV. I watch TV a lot because I enjoy it. I like all aspects of TV, I like the drama, the comedy, the utter ridiculousness (Rock of Love Bus anyone?), and the important issues I learn about (baking soda and water can cure heart burn). And to go back to that "I have no job" crap, I've been watching more TV than ever lately because, well, "I have no job."

And this leads me to wonder, Billy Mays or ShamWow Vince?

Billy Mays, purveyor of such wonderful things such as OxiClean, Mighty Mendit, the Big City Slider Station, Easy Off Bam!, and Mighty Putty, has had my heart for a while. I will buy (or want to buy and whine about it) anything he is hocking no matter how absurd or how useless the product would be in my life (when am I ever going to make sliders?). I learned to trust Mr. Mays a few years ago when, oh no! I got red wine on a white sweater! What to do? I thought the sweater would forever be banished to the back of my closet eventually making it to Goodwill. But no, after discovering a tub of OxiClean in the laundry room, making a quick paste (lots of parts OxiClean to one drop of water), smothering said paste on my wine stain and running the sweater through the wash (it was not cashmere, for if it was it would've gone straight to the cleaners and I would've never discovered my trust and belief in Billy Mays) the wine stain was gone!! Not just a lighter shade of pink, but completely, 100% gone! I was hooked. I was a new believer and that faith went to Billy Mays. I don't care that he didn't invent OxiClean, I don't care that he had nothing to do with stain coming out, all I care about is that he is the one that opened my eyes to OxiClean and thus saved my sweater (which BTW, I don't have anymore because on further investigation a year later I realized that the sweater was ugly).

If I had a need for any of his other products and could justify the $19.95 (plus shipping and handling which they now call processing and handling) and going against everything my mother taught me about never buying stuff from the TV I would order up some of his stuff in a minute. So, the other day (like three months ago) I'm at Mecca (Target) and walking down the half of the store I never venture to (the automotive/sports equipment/baby junk half) and what do I see, but an end cap with lots of "crap" on it and every single item has none other than Billy Mays' picture on them! OMG! I stopped and marveled. Here were products that he endorses that I have never seen a commercial for. Like I could've (and almost did) bought this weird engraver thing. I could've engraved my name on numerous household items like the TV remote, a fork, my car keys, and anything else (thus causing complete confusion in my house because we adhere to the Golden Rule stating if it has my name on it do not touch it). And, this engraver thing, it came in pink. It took every ounce of will power to put it back and walk away. And I did. But obviously I'm not over it as I'm still thinking and talking about it.

I think the thing that gets me about Billy are his persuasive techniques. He talks loudly (yells) and points a lot, he explains exactly why I need this product in my life (yep, he is pretty much a life saver when you get caught in those unfortunate situations like your pants splitting - thanks Mighty Mendit), and he's not afraid to risk his life to convince me of all these things (have you seen him in that wind tunnel with the flag or on that airplane with the skydiver?). Plus, he always, ALWAYS, will double the offer if you call now.

I was so sure my love for Billy Mays could never waver until I "met" ShamWow Vince. A Google search of "ShamWow Vince" took me to his Wikipedia page. His real name, Vince Offer. Ok, there is no better name for someone who is slinging deals on TV than Offer. I mean come on! He literally will make you an Offer you can't refuse. If you live under a rock (read = don't watch TV) then you are missing out on the ShamWow. It's an amazing towel thing that will retain more than five million times (approximately) its weight in water. It's pretty incredible. It's also machine washable and as Vince points out, will last you ten years (10 YEARS!) versus the regular sponge that lasts a week (unless you're me, in which case they will last a few minutes because sponges are breeding grounds for awful things like salmonella and the Ebola virus).

Vince went away for a while and then came back recently with a new product. Or rather a new improvement on an old product. This one, the Slap Chop, is amazing. It's like your average chopper (my Gramma had one) where you put the food that needs to be chopped underneath it and then you push down on the plunger thingy and blades come down and chop your food. The Slap Chop is pretty awesome because the blades rotate every time you push you the plunger thingy. So you can not only chop, but dice. Plus, amazingly, it also will somehow peel garlic and onions! And the beauty of this Slap Chop? It completely opens for easy cleaning. Like the housing mechanism for the blade pops opens completely like a flower so you can really clean all the nooks and crannys (mmmm, Thomas' English Muffins). I cried for one the other night when I was chopping an onion and started, well crying. If I had the SlapChop I wouldn't have shed a tear and it wouldn't have taken me an entire Friends rerun to chop one stupid (delicious) onion.

Plus, PLUS, Vince wears one of those Gwen Stefani/Janet Jackson type microphones that attach to your ear. Everyone looks cool wearing one of those. But, Billy Mays is so loud that he doesn't even need a mic. Hmmm...

After all this heavy debating, all the pro/con lists I've made, and the nights I've tossed and turned in bed (I desperately need a new pillow), I'm stuck. My brain is leaning towards Vince. He's young, he's new, he's energetic, he's funny (fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini), and he has great aim (he throws the old chopper over his shoulder and lands in the sink behind him!!). But he only reps two products. Though I would love to have a Slap Chop I've made it this far without one (and still have all ten fingers) and though I think the ShamWow is neat, I don't think it can do anything that my kitchen dish rag can't.

I am declaring the winner Billy Mays! He has more products I secretly (and not so secretly) pine for. He was the original. And he's funny! Check out this Billy Mays ESPN360.com ad he did. I saw it run during some football game I wasn't paying attention to. Hilars! Besides, he has a beard (and in the above ad, so does his family! Love it!).

I've done the liberty of YouTubeing the ShamWow commercial, the Slap Chop commercial, and two of my fave Billy Mays the Mighty Putty commerical and the Mighty Mendit commercial.