This too shall pass, and if it doesn't they'll hook you up to some machine and blow it up.

Sorry I've been missing.  I had kidney stones.  Again.  And of course because I don't do anything average my kidney stones are super big, so big that they won't pass on their own so I have to have procedures to remove them.

I had kidney stones three years ago.  That time we had to do two procedures to get rid of "Big Mama Stone."  The doctor went in through an existing hole (I'm leaving it at that) and tried to pull the stone out.  But it was too big so she put in a stent instead.  The stent kept the tube that goes from your kidney to your bladder open (because before that the kidney stone had shut my kidney down).  I had to have that in for three weeks and it sucked.  Then she went in and removed the stent and got the stone out.  All was well.  For three years.  Until Monday.

I was on my way to meet family for lunch on Monday when I had excruciating pain.  Once you have a kidney stone you never forget that pain so I knew what it was.  I drove myself to the doctor's office screaming the whole way (and trying to keep the vomit down).  I made it.  I'm not sure how, but I made it.  I probably freaked out these two women in the waiting room because of my groans and sweating and constant moving around (you can't get comfortable, standing, sitting, lounging or otherwise).  I finally got some pity from the guy at the front desk (after threatening to throw up) and I got back into a room.  The nurse came in and did an ultrasound on my pelvis area.  Then the doctor came in and did one on my kidney (the right one cause that's where the pain was).  She told me my kidney was dilated but they couldn't see the stone so I'd have to go up to radiology.  Then I puked.  

There I was sitting on the floor of the doctor's office bathroom puking.  I hadn't eaten anything that day so I was puking up stuff like bodily fluids.  It was painful.  But the pain of puking was a nice distraction from the life stopping pain in my side.  I sat on that floor and puked from the time my kidney ultra sound was completed until the time my Mom got there and the nurse stuck a needle in my butt and gave me what was supposed to be pain killers and anti-nausea medicine.  Between me and you, neither worked.  I got wheeled (in a wheel chair) up to radiology and after puking and being pathetic I got a CAT scan (or CT scan?) done.  Once that was done I don't remember what happened but we ended up in the ER.  

The purpose of the ER visit was to get pain killers that worked and to pump me full of fluids since I had dehydrated myself.  And boy did we.

Once we got into a room at the hospital I got hooked up to fluids.  Then I got some pain killers.  And they didn't do a darn thing.  Nothing.  Didn't even numb the pain.  So I continued to sit on the hospital bed and wail and moan until someone gave me attention and stronger drugs.  Which finally someone did.  I don't know what I was given, it sounded like it was called Toilet Bowl, but it worked.  Within seconds of it hitting my veins the pain disappeared.  I was a new person.  A happy person.  A person on drugs.

On Tuesday we went for the procedure to get rid of the stone.  This time instead of going in me and doing stuff the procedure was non-invasive.  But they still have to put you under.  They put this big machine on you and supposedly it sends some sort of waves, like shock or radio, through you and those waves break up the stone.  Then you are able to get the stone out of your body yourself through means like peeing.  

So that's where we are now.  I'm at home.  Feeling sore, but much better.  Hopefully we'll be able to figure out why my body is producing stones (and large ones at that, but that doesn't surprise me, I am the over achiever).   

I took a pain killer last night because I was in major discomfort and I had trippy dreams all night.  Probably not going to be taking those again.

Here's the deal, kidney stone pain is the hands down worst pain ever.  It's worse than child birth.  I know this because when you have a baby they can give you an epidural and I know this because there was a long running debate on Regis & Kelly about which is more painful, childbirth or passing a kidney stone and kidney stone won.  

So that's my story.  That's where I've been all week.  Hopefully next week will be better and less painful.

My Mom took a picture of me before the procedure on Tuesday but it's like the worst picture ever so I'm not going to post it.  Hence the picture of the KIDNEY bean and the gem STONE.